A Couple of Pounds

When I spent 4 days away from home, to go to the cert a couple of weeks ago, I came back feeling, I'll be honest and say, defeated about my control when it came to food. I let my anxiety about food cause me to "overthink" some of my choices and that lead me to give in to situations that challenged my control.

I did gain a couple of pounds, I realized that it was not permanent weight so I wasn't worried about that, and quickly got things back under control within a few days after returning home. But when talking with a co-worker about it, she interpreted that my upset was about the weight (a couple of pounds), not the anxiety, the feelings of "out of control". It's easy to look at someone like me that is thin, obviously not overweight (anymore), and not have understanding about a couple of pounds. But it's not the weight, it's the loss of control.

Situations that challenged my control;

free food
eating "out" with other people
no kitchen, no grocery store
not being able to workout when I needed to

OK, the free food "got me". If it had not been available right next door (in the Hospitality Room), I could of avoided it easier. But why should that make a difference? It shouldn't, that's the problem. I'm a grown woman, I know how to make better choices. Other people were there and they weren't hoarding M&M's! What's wrong with me? I'm going to fix that!

Eating out with just Mark, not a problem. Eating out with a table full of people, a problem. The bread and butter stays on the table. Everyone is drinking beer, I have to have one. Everyone is sharing food with eachother, again that falls into the category of "free food". And then dessert, you gotta order dessert! This one is easier to fix, I don't go out that often, this is why!

No kitchen, no grocery store. Actually, not having acess to a grocery store was worse than no kitchen. I had a fridge and microwave, but no food to put in the fridge or micro! Being at the mercy of having to eat food prepared by others added to the anxiety and because it wasn't "perfect" I found myself, first, overthinking and then, second, giving up and giving in to bad choices, unsatisfying choices. Fixing this one is just a matter of RELAXING (if I heard that one once, I heard it a thousand times, easy for people without "food issues" to say!). Finding calm, not letting the anxiety build and take over.

And finally the workout situaton. Nothing keeps me motivated more than pumping fresh blood to my muscles! Although I did get in a short KB workout, numerous short walks and finally an hour long walk on the last day, it wasn't enough to counteract the bad food choices and the anxiety that I let build about it. Making better, calm choices about food would of helped me feel the amount of exercise was, in fact, sufficient.

So what is the difference between someone like me, who has been extremely overweight, and someone that has never been more than a few pounds, or maybe less than 10 or 20 lbs., overweight being worried about a couple of pounds? It's the same, it's the feelings of not being able to control it. Because if you cannot control the feelings that you have that allowed you to give up control and gain a couple of pounds, then what stops you from gaining 100? It's not the food, it's the feelings about food.

One of the definitions of control is "to have power over". I have power over food, it's my feelings that sometimes have power over me. I'm fixing that.