Bottomless Pit

There are two fruits that I just can't seem to stop eating once I start, and those 2 fruits are grapes and melon. And since it's not melon season yet (summer) the grapes have started coming into the markets. Since I know this about myself I've been really good about only buying a small amount at a time, usually less than a pound. This past summer it was not unusual for me to eat 2-3lbs. of grapes in one day! In fact I've let myself get so out of control with grapes that I've had to figure out how many calories "per pound" they cost me,(60 cal. per 4 oz. = 240 cal. per lb.).

How can I eat so many grapes? This brings me to ask myself this question. Why do I feel like a "bottomless pit" when it comes to eating? And of course it's not just grapes. It can't be normal. Maybe it is normal for someone like me that has "food issues", I know it seems crazy to those people that don't (have food issues). But when is enough, going to be enough?

So what exactly do the words "bottomless pit" really refer to? Are "food issues" really food issues, or are they "emotional issues"? Those of us looking for the deeper meanings of our behaviors know that often we find the questions that need to be answered are not why do I eat so much, but why do I feel that I need to eat so much? I don't mean to play amatuer psychologist, but the words "bottomless pit" probably refer to an emotional emptiness (void)that longs to be "filled", "completed", "validated", etc..

But anyway, whatever! In the mean time, after giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that I have to fix this. Not today, not tomorrow, but move in the direction of being more aware. I have been lucky enough to figure out a way to overeat, to allow myself to eat this way, while staying in my calorie range, but it's not attractive (overeating!). And it's not healthy, physically or mentally.

So for the past week I've been forcing myself to eat slower, and that has helped. I try to take smaller bites and enjoy them more. And then not eat anything else right away. I guess it's all part of calming down the anxiety around food. Instead of trying to fill the bottomless pit, try to not be a bottomless pit.

Saturday AM weight 125.4
7:45am 2.5 mile walk
8:45am Bikram yoga
12:00 KB swing combos 55 min.

Menu high-calorie day

coffee w/cream 45 cal.
3 lg ginger cookies 130ea. 390 cal.
3 slices of bread w/peanut butter 670 cal.
oats/milk/dates/sugar 270 cal.
birthday cake 200 cal. (small piece)
large soup w/butternut squash and beef sirloin 680 cal.
ice cream (1 pint) 1000 cal.

Total calories 3255

I bought a pkg of my favorite cookies (13 cookies per pack), ate 3 and then gave the rest away knowing I would eat them all if I had them around, and I really didn't wat to eat 1800 cal. worth of cookies, even though it was my high calorie day. I did treat myself to butternut squash in my soup, yum, and of course a whole pint of ice cream!

Sunday AM weight ?
7:00pm 40 min walk

Menu low-calorie day

coffee w/cream 30 cal.
grapes 60 cal.
grapes 240 cal.
decaf coffee w/cream 35 cal.
steel cut oats w/milk and 1tsp. sugar 205 cal.
grapes 180 cal.
soup w/spagetti squash and beef 400 cal.

Total calories 1150

My calories were a little higher than semi-fasting, because I need to leave a little weight on. My weight was too low last week, so I'll concentrate on getting it up between 127-128, instead of 125-126. Also I want to do my snatch workout Monday morning and need the calories for that workout. You can see the problem I had with grapes on Sunday!

Life is great. It was a beautiful weekend.