One is Harder than None

As I've mentioned before I have an "all or nothing" personality. Bingeing is the "all" part, starving is the "nothing" part. That's one reason why I can have a semi-fasting day after a high-calorie day. But I'm growing tired of the extremes. And extremes can get dangerous.

I used to have feelings of panic around hunger, or what I perceived as hunger. For instance, I never left the house without "my food". I didn't trust myself to be able to stay calm enough to resist the temptation of junk food if hunger hit before I could get to better choices. Once I got through the holidays and had my share of feeling out of control when it came to food two things happened almost similtaneously;

I read Tom Furman's post "Don't be a sissy" where he mentions that "skipping a meal won't kill you". For some reason a light bulb went off in my head and it made sense to me. It provided a feeling of relief. I left my house the next day for a walk without any of "my food" with me. Now I feel as if I can leave without that secruity because I finally feel in control. Control of making the right choices whether it's waiting until I can get to my own food or not panicking before I can get to a store for an apple or some prunes etc..

I also had a conversation with Mark about overeating around the same time. He explained to me the reason why he doesn't overeat. He doesn't like the feeling of being stuffed with food. He likes feeling lean. Because he's been an athlete most of his life, when he feels stuffed he can't train. He told me he likes feeling as if he could go out and train at any moment. That feeling of leaness kept him ready. I was able to relate to what he was telling me and agreed. I also liked feeling lean, but until then didn't make a connection.

So with my new found motivation to feel calm and lean, I found it easier to not eat. I was able to stay on my weekly diet without cheating. It almost became challenging to see how little I could eat. How strong was my control. But control is about more than being able to take it to extremes. Control is also about being to stay in the middle as well.

My post about the chocolate cupcake the other day only told part of the story. I don't need to get into all of the ugly details, but I actually ate 2 cupcake tops (the part with the frosting) and threw away the bottoms. But the point is that once I decided to let myself eat one, I felt out of control and ate two! Why couldn't I only eat one? The decision to only eat one is way harder than eating none.

So this is my new challenge. The balance of control. I know it will be as hard as I decide to make it. Let's see how it goes!

Saturday High Calorie Day

5-8:00am coffee w/cream, cocoa 135 cal.
11:30 oatmeal w/1/2c. vanilla ice cream! (try it, it's yummy!) 440 cal.
2:00 - 3:00
grapes 60 cal.
veg soup w/ butternut squash and chicken (4oz.) 350 cal.
2 pieces cornbread 400 cal.
3/4 pint pumkin icecream w/toasted coconut 690 + 150 cal.

Total calories 2225

Sunday Low Calorie Day
AM weight 128.0

5-9:30 coffee w/cream 110 cal.
10:30 apple 120 cal.
11:30 coffee w/peppermint cocoa 80 cal.
2:30 veg soup w/butternut squasn and 6oz chicken 425 cal.
3:30 melon, grapes 150 cal.
3:30 a couple of bites of chicken pie (at sister's house) 100 cal.
6:00 tea w/ honey 25 cal.

Total calories 1110

Life is good, I had a great weekend!