Monday, February 5, 2007

Looking for Love

I can say, "I have issues with food". Or I can say," I have issues that I solve with food". Or I can say," I have issues that I feel I solve with food". What are my true issues? I have a good idea of what they are, I always have, but being aware of them is not the same as overcoming them. Will I ever overcome them, do I need to?

For a long time I thought that being aware of my emotional damage made me conscious and responsible for my actions. But I still allowed myself to react in a physically damaging way. I excused the importance of making bad desisions by thinking, "well, I know I'm overeating, and I take responsibility for that" pretending that put me in control, when in fact I was choosing to be out of control and it was my emotional damage that I let take the lead. For me I was overeating, but replace the word overeat for whatever your "issue" is and it still works out the same.

So what was I looking for? Am I still looking for "it"? What need did I fill? Or thought I was filling? Do I still have that "need"? Whatever a persons "issue" is does it come down to love? And what is the definition of love? Of course it's different for everyone, so I can only speak for myself.

When I put food in my mouth, I think it makes me feel good. I feel comfort, I feel safe, I feel "taken care of", I think I feel love. Wow! That's alot of feelings. But now I see that it's a "love / hate relationship". The "love" only lasts for a very short time, and the "hate" hangs around. (Literally if you're fat!)

I recently became most aware of this over the holiday season. It was during one of my See's candy binges. I put a piece of chocolate in my mouth, and I felt it delivered exactly what I was expecting it to, warmth, comfort, good feelings (love?). What I didn't expect was the reality of it only lasting 3 seconds. Three seconds! And I spent the rest of the day feeling like crap!

How many times do we do something we know we shouldn't, thinking it's going to make us feel good only to suffer the consequences? It doesn't even have to be related to food.

This feeling of betrayal, was I betrayed by the food or by myself? I call this "looking for love in all the wrong places!" I went looking for love, and instead I ended up with bad feelings of guilt, failure, and weakness. Boy, all of that in a little piece of candy.

So, now that I'm aware of this behavior am I cured? Hell no! I still ate a pint of ice cream last night, but I do it less and less. I am able to get through my week without fooling myself by thinking 3 seconds of that kind of "love" is going to make my life better. But I'm still working on it. I might have to work on it for the rest of my life. That's O.K. What does it all mean?

Of course it always comes down to choice. Whether we are looking for love, comfort, safety, to be accepted, to be respected, etc., in any of our behaviors do we find it by overeating (food), over exercising, over spending (money), drinking, doing drugs, bad relationships, affairs, etc.. Really ask yourself if you're making your life better or worse? Choose to make it better!

Look for love in making good choices. The good choices make us stronger and smarter not only for ourselves but for our family and friends. And isn't that where love is? In our family and friends? Not in a piece of chocolate.

Food and exercise journal for 2/2, 2/3, 2/4

Friday AM weight 126.8
7pm 45 min walk


coffee w/cream, cocoa, 265 cal.
soup w/kale squash, pot roast 350 cal.
oatmeak w/milk and sugar 300 cal.
almonds, dates 300 cal.
apple 120 cal.
pear 300 cal.

Total calories 1615

I still find myself in denial sometimes. For example, I bought these huge pears, I knew they were large but didn't want to weigh them in hopes of denying exactly how many calories they probably had. I finally had to face it, so I weighed one. Guess how much it weighed? 16 oz.! Yep, one whole pound of pear! 300 cal! I went back and changed my calorie count in my journal from 120 cal. to 300! Next I'll have to bring myself to weigh my apples!

Saturday AM weight 126.6
7:30 walk 40 min.
8:45 Bikram yoga
11:30 KB snatch, trans. WO

coffee w/cream, cocoa 205 cal.
prune, PNB, triscut (2 each) 120 cal.
apple 120 cal.
grapes 50 cal/
oatmeal w/milk and sugar 285 cal.
prune, PNB, triscut (3 each) 180 cal.
pork tenderloin 200 cal.
corn bread 180 cal.
kale soup w/squash, beets and bacon (large serving) 500 cal.

Total calories 1835

I taught a cooking class this afternoon, so I was able to eat the fruits of my labor! I had a hard time not cheating today, normally it's my cheat day. But I'm trying to change how and when I choose a high calorie day. I had to talk myself out of buying candy at the store, it really took alot of will power but I succeeded and I'm glad. I really don't want to give into it and I try to remind myself what really is going to make me happy and make my life better!

Sunday AM weight 126.8
no exercise

Menu (high calorie day)

coffee w/ cream 60 cal.
prune, PNB, triscut (6 each) 240 cal.
apple 120 cal.
almonds 4oz. 800 cal!
grapes 150 cal.
pork tenderloin 200 cal.
kale soup w/parsnips and squash 250 cal.
ice cream 800 cal.

Total calories 2650

So, no cookies on my high calorie day, but I did let my ice cream serving get out of control. I felt full afterwards but not "icky". I'm getting closer, but still working on it.

Life is good, and I choose to make it better everyday.


Franz Snideman said...

Great insights Tracy. Just like Emerson said "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

The fact that you are examining, evaluating, striving to be better is what makes you a success. The unexamined life truly in not worth living. Thank you for "examining" your life, we all need to learn from others and of course learning from you is great for all of us.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Just part of my journey. I don't know how it will be received, it "is what it is".