Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sick of the Guilt

Today is my high calorie day. Every week I struggle with this. Why do I need to let myself eat sugary crap non-stop? Why? I must be getting something out of it, or else I wouldn't do it. I only chose to be out of control, ultimately I can chose to do whatever I want. But I continue to chose to overeat this one day a week.

I seem to struggle with it because it doesn't make sense that I feel like I can control this unhealthy habit 99.9% of the time. Do I need to be perfect (100%)? I struggle with the guilt of liking to overeat. What does that say about me? That I like to stuff myself with food. And who is saying anything about me? Do I care? I am my own worst enemy.

So I ask myself, what am I getting out of this? Food makes me feel good. I love to eat. I love to eat alot of food. Food lures me in, comforts me, warms me and then, bam, hits me with guilt. Makes me feel sick (mentally and physically). But I keep going back for more. It is truly a drug-like experience. But only if I let it be.

I chose to not control it. For one day. Not even for a whole day, just a few hours so I can get my fill, and then be done with it. I have no problem starting over the next day with restricted calories to compensate for the previous day. I have proven this to be true.

Two years of a cheat day, once a week, followed by a semi-fasting day has proven to work for me. I have succeeded at losing weight and bodyfat. I continue to be committed to my diet and workouts everyday. There's nothing to feel guilty about!

For whatever psychological reason this behavior/habit continues I can't keep beating myself up over it. I won't beat myself up over it. I'll judge myself on the results I have acheived, and continue to acheive, and try to focus on things more important. I will continue to work on it, but try to have more compassion for myself, the same kind of compassion I feel for others fighting the "fight". It'll change when it changes.

Sunday AM weight 127.4
8:45 Bikram yoga
6:30 45 min. walk

Menu (high calorie day)

coffee w/cream, cocoa
2 girl scout cookies
2 brownies
peanutbutter/almonds/coconut 1/4 c.
lots of 4 layer chocolate Birthday Cake (today is my oldest son's 25th b-day!)
small bowl of soup

Total calories, I don't know and I don't care!

Tomorrow morning I'm KB snatching first thing. I can't wait!

Right now I'm making some killer beef stock for some french onion soup tomorrow, (no bread for me, but I will have some cheese in top!). I'll also make some stew with buffalo meat. Clean out my fridge and clean out my body!

Today was a great day and it's going to be a great guilt-free week!


Yael said...

This makes a lot of sense. It is always a choice of course, overeat or not overeat, but neither one is inherently "good" or "bad." And what always gets me is how pointless guilt after-the-fact is. The more guilt I feel the more likely I am to do it again; its like a viscious cycle!

Anyway, what you do obviously does work for you. High calorie days really do help with fat loss in the long run (raise leptin levels, etc, all that stuff you understand probably better than I). True, it does not need to be junk, but like you say, 99% of the time is pretty damn good...

Tracy said...

Yeah, it's a vicious cycle that has to be broken. The key word, "vicious". It feels that way!

I got caught up in thinking it was the "cheat day" that was the problem, in terms of calories. When the problem is how I feel about myself for wanting to overeat. I need to relax!

wombird said...

Great post- really helpful for those of us who go through similar experiences.


Royce said...

Yeah, guilt sucks. For me it is part of the downward slide. Feel guilty=give up.
My dad always says "It doesn't matter how many time you get knocked down, only how many times you stand back up."
Just rememeber what you have accomplished, every time you feel guilty or stressed or whatever rememeber just how damn much you have accomplished!!!

leslie said...

I can completely relate to what you said. It's true that we always "get" something out of what we do, or we wouldn't do it. But 100% compliance to anything would make us not quite human.

One of my favorite quotes is this:

Perfection n'est pas du ce monde.

Translation, "perfection is not of this world." So we strive for excellence (and 99% compliance and everything you've done certainly qualify as excellent!), and remember that we're human.

Be gentle with yourself and keep up the fabulous work! I love following your progress.

Tracy said...

Hazel, I know I'm not the only one that has these types of feelings, however, putting them out there sometimes makes me feel very exposed. But this seems to be the "therapy" I need right now in my life. Thanks for your comment and support. Tracy

Royce, I like that "down-ward slide". That's exactly how I feel, and I don't need to. How I feel is also a choice I have to change.

Tracy said...

leslie, I've always gotten caught up with prefectionism. When I was fat I tried to be "perfect" in other ways. Thanks for sharing the quote, I'm going to write it down so I can keep reminding myself of it.

Also, I'm not sure if you read my response to your last comment a couple of weeks ago, but I managed to get on your blog and Mark and I really enjoyed Tucker's gymnastic performance! I'd like to link your blog with mine, is that OK? Tracy

christine said...

I have been reading your blog for a few months, and I can so identify with your feelings about food. I have never been overweight, per se (not counting 3 bouts of post partum!) I do carry all my weight around my midsection. I have been doing strict calorie counting, and your blog has been serious motivation! I appreciate your honesty, I find myself reading it and nodding along! I have not been allowing myself a cheat day yet - for fear of a total backslide. Hopefully, at some point I'll be able to indulge for a day, and be able to go right back to being strict the next day.

Tracy said...

Christine, Remember, I have found a way to make that work for me.

I'm always afaid that people mis-interpret "cheat day" I find that friends of mine use it an "excuse" to eat whatever, and then not following through with the calorie restriction the next day.

If you are satisfied with your particular weight, maybe increasing you exercise is more the answer.

Many times the denial that people have about how much food they eat is the same denial about how much exercise they do.

Anyway, thanks for your comment and also your support, Tracy

leslie said...

Yes, yes, yes! Of course you can link to my blog -- I'm thrilled!

And I think in the next few months I'm planning some "fitness field trips" (that's how I like to think of them) to check out facilities that are doing stuff that's new and fresh and fun. Your gym is at the top of my list, so we may get to meet in person!