Friday, June 1, 2007

Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run

Of course I hope one day to completely overcome this emotional need to overeat, but I don't know if that is possible. I know managing it is possible, and maybe that's all I can ask for, but something stronger than I am is still lurking, still hungry for more. Hungry to heal, trying to heal with food. Stuffing back and down the pain. The pain of what? And it is pain because it makes me feel like crap, like I've lost, like I've been defeated. Can I still win by simply cutting my losses? What causes this self destruction?

And it is destructive. Destructive to what I know to be healthy. And not just physically healthy, that's always scientically adjustable, but mentally healthy. It's much more mentally painful because it makes no sense, logically, to not be able to feel as if I can't stop overeating. Bingeing.

So I have come to the conclusion that I need to get in the habit of "cutting my losses" at the very least, and start there.

Thursday 5/24, peanut butter/prune, icecream binge 2000 cal.?
Monday 5/28, trail mix binge 1200 cal. (oops! I mean 1600)
Wednesday 5/30, Hershey's chocolate binge. 600 cal.
Thursday 5/31, chocolate cake 400 cal.

Everytime I started to get "out of control", and I did feel out of control, ( at first I wrote that I was out of control, then rephrased it to feel, because control is a choice, I'm constantly reminding myself of that, to take responsibility) I tried to remember that it was not too late to stop....not too late. Food is only calories, at that point, and I can choose to stop. Choose to walk away. I can control my choices. I need to look at it as controlling choice, not controlling food.

Everytime I started to binge, I walked away long before I wanted to.....long before I wanted to. I wanted to keep eating, at times desperately. I wanted to give in, give up. To give up responsibility. Is that what it's about? Responsiblity?

My journal, my blog, has catapulted my growth to new levels of self awareness. I don't have any expectations of a "cure". But I know that the 10 or so years I spent extremely overweight I felt asleep compared to where I'm at now. Asleep to experiencing life's potential. When I woke up, I started walking, walking away from the confinement of my wall of fat. I now feel like jogging, on the verge of running, not away from, but forward, to life. Being responsible in my life, and for my life. My good life.

11 comments:

Geoff Neupert said...

Tracy, sometimes, ok, many times, we just don't have the power within ourselves to conquer these issues--kind of like an electrical appliance that's not plugged in.

We NEED outside help.

I strongly encourage you to get John & Stasi Eldredge's "Captivating." It may not be a cure-all, but it's a GREAT start.

Best,

Geoff

Tracy said...

Geoff, I'm open! Every bit of information can be helpful, thanks.

cheryl said...

Tracy

I really appreciate your honesty about what you go through with your food.

When I was at my lowest weight I thought, I've got it - I know how to do this and will never be overweight again.

Needless to say as soon as I let up a little my old habits slipped in. I think it's as you say - overeating is something that needs to be managed, you can never think "I'm cured". Keep as they say "fighting the good fight", and know that we are working right along with you.

Thanks, Cheryl

Royce said...

Yesterday I was there Tracy. I just wanted FOOD ya' know I hate being hungry. The plate of stir fry helped but I was a grouchy dude for sure.

Christine Petty said...

Good entry, very good entry.

greg said...

Hi Tracy,

I love your blog. I have to deal with these feelings a lot as well. I'm the pastry chef that sent you and mark the chocolates. With my job, it's sooo hard not to lose control, and sometimes you just do. Thinking about your succes and others like you on DD, help me to reel in those feelings. ;)

Tracy said...

Cheryl, I totally beleive weight management relies on "habits". Once you develop good habits you cannot change them!

For instance, evening yoga classes are killing me because I don't eat after 6pm. So I have to finish my last meal 2-3 hours before class, which would be no later than 3pm! I can't do that!

But I don't want to get in the habit of eating later because it's just a matter of time before I do that (eat later) even when I don't have a class.

So I totally agree! Get back those good habits!

Tracy said...

Royce, Go ahead, eat what you want! My money's on Christine! LOL

Tracy said...

Christine, The unflattering pictures (of me)are coming! You got nothing on me! Thanks for being so brave! (Although you'll never catch me in shorts and bra top )

Tracy said...

Greg, How do you do it??? How is it possible? Are there thin pastry chefs?

I love to cook, I cosider it my hobby, but I don't bake anymore. I can't....I would eat a whole cake.. a whole batch of cookies (and/or dough)... and I couldn't stuff them in my mouth fast enough...sorry. God bless you!

The hot chile truffles were the bomb, by the way!

Royce said...

LOL, no skirt for me! Better hedge your bets. :-)