Tuesday, March 6, 2007

A Deeper Meaning

Why is it that most of us reach a point in our lives that we constantly look for the deeper meaning. Coincidences, "signs", signals? From wondering why we make certain choices to why fate makes choices for us. We are looking for answers, trying to "figure it out". And sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to find the reasons why we do the things we do, or why certain things always happen to us, that it becomes an excuse to not take control.

For instance, I thought for many years how unfair it was that I couldn't eat everything and anything without getting fat. I saw other people that were "skinny" eating what they wanted and not worrying about their weight (or so I thought). So I gave up, and let my weight get out of control. Once I took back control, and responsibility, I wonder why did I do that (let myself be overweight for almost a decade), what was the deeper meaning? I could go on and on about why I think I did, but at this point I don't think it matters as much as what I plan on doing in my future. What I plan to do everyday, (everyday is my future!).

So right now I'm trying to "figure out" where I'm going next as far as my diet and training are concerned. And I recently received an e-mail from someone who tried to explain to me her spontaneous style of training and how she wanted to acheive certain goals (for competition) and how she hoped and expected to get there. I'm no expert on training and I've never been a competitive athlete, but after living with a competive athlete, I know training for competition requires incredible, delibrate planning and focus. I haven't responded yet, and I didn't know why (I hadn't responded) until this morning.

I was so overwhelmed at her lack of focus. I didn't even know where to start. But I did know that it sounded as if she wanted to be and do everything (training wise, perhaps it's also a metaphor, isn't everthing?)! Gee, I know how that feels! Even reading some other blogs lately, there seems to be more self-questioning going on. Should I get stronger? Should I get leaner? Should I get my endurance up, should I put on more muscle, should I take some off, etc.?

So after sharing this with Mark, (the e-mail) he said something brilliant, as usual, (you know I'm married to a genius!), which was, "Without a plan, if you don't know where you're going, that's where you'll be, nowhere!". That's where I feel I am right now, nowhere.

Coincidence, is it a sign?

My plan was to eat less and train as often as I could. And I lost my weight and acheived a level of fitness that exceeded my goals. But no more "willy nilly" eating and training for me! It's not working, mentally, more than physically. And like I always tell others, "If it's not working, change it".

So what's the deeper meaning? Other than,"Let me run this by you and get your opinion on my training" (the e-mail). I can't be and do everything. And that's O.K. But what can I be, and what can I do? Now's the time for me to focus and be delibrate. Figure out what's right for me, right now.


leslie said...

All I can say is that I'm with you. Right now my plan is to "not be fat" and "be strong." What's that about goals having specifics & stuff??? Anyway, I'm on the way to more intentional living. Don't know how yet, but it's where I'm heading.

I look forward to cheering you on in your journey!

Tracy said...

So what's the deeper meaning in your "stalling"?

You know what you need to do, to not "be fat" and to get "strong". (and by the way, how strong and strong for what?)

Just saying "you're on the way" doesn't mean you are, until you decide and work toward a specific goal(s). I believe that your intentions are there, maybe this post came at the right time! Tracy

Franz Snideman said...

I love this post. This kind of honest self reflection is healthy and cleanses the soul IMO. Life changes and as it unfolds it changes us internally, hopefully for the better. Every day is not always the "Zipp-ee-dee-doo-daa" type of day. Some days are are little harder and sometimes it feels like there is dark cloud over our head. I think God allows those days to spark and ignite internal change. So in essence this sort of brutal self reflection can lead to GREENER Pastures ahead. I have no doubt that you will find new direction, new purpose and new goals!

Tracy said...

Franz, It's all part of "personal growth". Becoming a stronger, better person.

And also remeber the phrase. "The grass is not always greener on the other side"? As we self-reflect we have to remember that life is a green pasture, wherever we are.

So when we feel that dark cloud sometimes we can chose to clear it up or let it rain.