Saturday, April 14, 2007

I'm Only Human

I didn't get to my workout on Sat. until 12 noon. I hate not training first thing in the morning. As much as I love the results I get from my KB workouts, I really have to psyche myself up for the afternoon times, because I find myself stalling. Anyone who thinks that it's easy for me needs to know that unless I workout first thing, it's tempting to skip and start all over the next day. But I know that would make me feel like crap, so I force myself to just go out to the gym and start.

Once I do my first warm up set of 2 handed swings, I know the rest will follow. That's all I need to jump start the following 45-55 min..

I managed to have a mild cheat day. By that I mean I only ate lots of birthday cake, no ice cream, and a big bowl of soup with lots of chicken and cottage cheese. I failed to mention last week that I ate 1.75 quart container of ice cream. Yes, that's almost 2 quarts! It's taken me a week to confess. I felt like sh#! about it so much that I think I actually was so disgusted with myself that I have to re-evaluate my attitude about bingeing. I hate using the word disgusted or disgusting. Who decides what or who is disgusting?

Bingeing sucks! I hate it. I freakin hate it. But I don't hate it enough I guess. But I'm getting close. Sometimes I just don't get it. All the self reasoning in the world is not enough to be able to resist sometimes. Why do I have to hide food from myself? Why does it seem to have this power over me? It's crazy. It's ridiculous.

Mark said to me today that I need to learn to eat dessert. By that he means a little "something" everyday, instead of an all out binge once a week. I just said "yeah right, easy for you to say".

Today was a rainy day, I wonder if that's what got me in this funk. All week I was lovin life. And I still do, but with the highs come some lows, after all I'm only human.

Maybe it's because my baby turned 18 today.

(I think it's the sugar crash)

Life is good.

14 comments:

LK said...

I enjoy you blog.
Oh, I can so relate to binging! It's just this way for some people, we have to fight this battle. You're doing GREAT, of course.

Mark Reifkind said...

remember Honey that being in balance means that the pendulum swings back as well as forward. Only have forwards swing is not balanced. You are doing great. taking note of all the things you are doing and feeling is the biggest part of changing them.

FallenAngel said...

You have worked so very hard, and it totally shows. I understand the fear that food causes. And who am I to give advice to you, you are so much more ahead of the game than me, but I think Mark is right. Not just because it will help the "cheat" day be in control, but because of something called quality of life. Chocolate and ice cream and all the good things in life are not bad. Not moving and "unbalance" is bad. Life is too short to not have chocolate. Or wine. Or ice cream. And you will always want what you "can't" have. So have a little. You deserve it. You know you will continue to work hard, and that it really won't affect anything in the long run.

I have a quote on my blog. It truly is how I feel about life, and I wish I could always keep it in mind. It goes like this:

Life SHOULD NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally WORN out and screaming "WOO HOO - WHAT A RIDE!!!"

Life is too short to not be fit and healthy, I have decided this for myself, and am making the life changes I need to. But its also too short not to have chocolate. It is not undisciplined to enjoy.

And if my baby turned 18 I would have eaten the whole cake, all the ice cream, went through a couple bottles of wine, maybe a little hard liquor, a couple Percocet and cried over baby pictures all day.

I think you did pretty damn good.

Mark Reifkind said...

"And if my baby turned 18 I would have eaten the whole cake, all the ice cream, went through a couple bottles of wine, maybe a little hard liquor, a couple Percocet and cried over baby pictures all day."

LOL, well said.

Royce said...

Hell Tracy, I probably would have been right there with Barb. I heard that sappy song a couple of days ago where the dad is giving away his little girl on her wedding day. He is remembering "butterfly kisses"....
Anyway that had me crying, in the damn car sitting next to Barb on the way to the store. Crying like a little kid.
You did just fine, don't sweat it. Like you said you're human.

( plus just think those carbs a protien in the ice cream will help build muscle :-) )

Mark Reifkind said...

yes she's fine she just has to relax.her weight is modulating perfectly, she just wants it to stay on one number all the time and that just dont happen,lol.

oge said...

Tracy,

I just ready a peer-reviewed Harvard study of why people binge. One reason is that people who seek perfection often have self-esteem problems. Of course they do, they can't ever live up to their ideals of perfection! Hence, they binge. It is a moment when the desire for perfection is suspended & the only thing that matters is this moment (a continuous present) where there is nothing but the pure, the sublime--FOOD. After the afterglow--there is guilt & the cycle continues. Let go of your need for perfection (I know easy to say) and permit yourself the good stuff more frequently.

Royce said...

Tracy, I was 275.2 on friday after carb on the weekend I was 281. I normaly fluctuate anywhere between 6-8 lbs. What matters is the trend.
I'mesure you know all this, but I just wanted to let you know we all go through it. If I weighed myself everyday I would go nuts. :-)

TraceS said...

Just wanted to compliment your great accomplishments Tracy. I've referred several people to your blog for inspiration, and if you were perfect, it would almost not be believable. No sense beating yourself up over a half gallon of ice cream, which along with choc. chip cookies are two of my major weaknesses. Thanks for the honesty. Trace

Tracy said...

lk, There's nothing like being broken down by a couple of quarts of ice cream!

Thanks for the support.

Tracy said...

Barb, For some reason just the fact that you took the time to respond to this post really touched me. Maybe beause you remind me of myself as far as a "real" person, a real woman. No bullsh#!.

Anytime you want to give me some advice I'll listen! Lord knows I'm one of the first to spit out my opinion! I'm not more ahead of the game, remember I'm a few years older than you (LOL) let's see where you are when you're 43!

Tracy said...

Royce, Thanks for sharing your "softer side" LOL. And always your support.

Tracy said...

oge, Perfect! That is definitely part of it.

I was just telling Mark that some of my personality flaws were my "all or nothing" and "instant gratification" attitudes. I knew there was another, and it is indeed "perfectionism".

All of those "flaws" helped me achieve the success that I enjoy today. I think I'll write a quck post about that, thanks for the inspiration!

Tracy said...

trace,

Thanks for pointing out that 2 quarts is "a half gallon" LOL.

But anyway, I always say that inspiration is a 2-way street. I'm constantly inspired by the understanding and support I get from others.

And chocolate chip cookies, especially when they're chewy, are the bomb!