Monday, April 2, 2007

Letting Go

I seem to be in a perpetual state of overthinking lately. What does this mean, what does that mean, what does it all mean, does it mean anything? And since maintaining my weight and recent transformation of my body / life have been one of my #1 concerns I can't help but try and "figure it out", so I can stop worrying that it will go away or I will lose it. (Or gain it, weight, however you look at it)

Many times extra fat on the body is compared to a "wall" that surrounds us to protect us from being close, getting hurt, being exposed, etc.. Now that my wall (of weight) is gone I can see some of the other "walls" in my life that still stand. And, until now, I haven't wanted to deal with anything else. But now I feel that I might be ready to be free, free from the fear. The fear of gaining the weight back is the same fear that weighs me down in other parts of my life.

As I've said before, I never take for granted that I'm "cured", or "healed", however one wants to look at it. I still consider myself a "fat girl". And I don't think that's a bad thing. It keeps me grounded, compassionate for others and gives me a deeper understanding of what's important in my life. Those are things I never want to lose, but I do feel a sense of healing taking place.

And because of that I'm finding it easier to relax, easier to breathe, easier to let go. Letting go of the judgements I've placed on myself. Judgements like, I'm not worth it, I don't deserve it, I'm not good enough. Letting go of all the things, both mental and physical, that have been weighing me down. I've cleaned up my house, now it's time to clean the closets.

And I'm not worried. I'm strong, and I am worth it, and I do deserve it, and I am good enough.

It's time for the next chapter in the book of my life. My good life.

9 comments:

Royce said...

Wow. It's cool that you put such personal thoughts right out in the open for everyone to read.
Youv'e got more guts than me.

Tracy said...

royce, it's the first time I was nervous about pushing the "publish" button!

Teresa said...

Tracy, don't discount the effect of physical changes on your mental state. I've encountered a parallel type of experience over the past few years as I've weight trained after a lifetime of being completely non-athletic. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, and though I wish it had come a lot earlier, it's certainly better than it not coming at all.

Savor the journey and celebrate your new self.

Tracy said...

teresa, Agreed!

I worry less and enjoy more. I'm having the time of my life! And it's all happening when it is supposed to happen, it's never too late.

BosuJen said...

Hi Tracy!

Thanks for visiting my blog. I've enjoyed following your journey and I hope to start writing more consistantly again myself.

I've struggled with weight loss and then maintenance as well and I'll tell you, it's not an easy road. It seems that always, in the back of your mind, is the fear that you will gain weight again. I think the final part of the journey is dealing with and erradicating that fear. When that fear no longer has a hold over your mind or emotions, you have sufficiently healed.

My adult weight loss journey began 11 years ago and I am just now starting to let go of it's power over me. Perhaps I needed to hold onto the fear for this long to avoid gaining weight again. Maybe you do too. I can tell that you are coming closer to releasing it though. When you write about not wanting to endulge in your cheat days as much, that is one great sign that you are evolving.

You are doing a great job and I think that sharing the struggle with others who understand or can empathize is a great way to work it out! Consider it a gift, rather than a cross to bear. You are learning and growing so much - truly living your life with awareness - and an experience like that is invaluable.

To health!
BOSUJEN

BosuJen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
magawisca said...

Tracy,

That was a really moving and revealing post. I lost weight some time ago and actually gained it all back plus more. This is because I was not being introspective, nor dealing with the core issues that created my overweight state in the first place. This time I am healing from within so that the outward transformation becomes more of a reflection of inner peace.

Tracy said...

bosujen, Coincidence that I read your comment 2 months after you published it??????

Timing is everything.

The fear is not of the weight coming back it's the failure of allowing it to come back, the defeat, the loss of control.

I'll have to write a post about that!

I think that's what I've realized, it's all part of the same emotional damage. Now that I've identified it I'm no longer afraid, or less afraid!

This blog has been a gift to myself, it's a bonus if it gives to others as well. Tracy

Tracy said...

magawisca, I've been overweight most of my life, the last time being the most extreme, so I know what it's like to lose and then gain back.

This time there are so many habits and permanent changes established if I've ever had a "fighting chance" it's this time.

With age hopefully comes maturity, not only in our thinking but in our doing.